New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
