Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
