and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
