Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
