My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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