Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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