Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
