He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
