just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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