remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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