He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
