well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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