i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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