I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
