God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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