my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
