sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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