I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
