So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
