Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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