Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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