i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
