And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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