I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
