i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We left an ass print on the piano.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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