ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Houston, we have a blender
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
