He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize