Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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