I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
