How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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