all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
