just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
