$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
