I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
