just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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