I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
