I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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