Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
