I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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