Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
