I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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