he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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