you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize