I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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