well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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