life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
