I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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