I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
