omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize