No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
