I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
