Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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