i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
