toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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