it's like iHOP with fire
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
