it wasn't lemon gatorade
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize