I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
