i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
