...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
