Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
